I had my third miscarriage this week. It has been so hard.
Hey y’all, Mrs. Crazy here. It’d be weird if it were Mr. Crazy writing this post…. (gallows humor, I know).
But in all seriousness, this has been a difficult week. I had a positive pregnancy test last week, and we were thrilled. We’ve had baby, miscarriage, baby, miscarriage….so I was sure this one would be baby.
Until I started bleeding on Sunday. And then cramping. And then the ER doctor poked his head in the room and said, “Got all the tests and ultrasound results. You’re not pregnant. The nurse will be right by with your discharge papers.”
And that it was. Within two seconds, I was suddenly “not pregnant.”
I don’t think he meant to be callous and abrupt. I could here a lot of bustle outside of the room, and in the big scheme of things, a miscarriage of a barely-pregnant woman versus a heart attack or stroke…..well, I can understand – take the time to save the life you can, not the feelings about the one you can’t.
Now I begin the process of healing. Again.
It’s amazing how badly this hurts. Just because it’s my third doesn’t make it hurt any less. Thankfully, Mr. Crazy isn’t out of town for this one (like he was the first), and I’m not travelling for CASA (which I was the second).
Even so, there’s no real way to forget that this happened for a bit, to numb the pain. To escape into the pages of a book, only to be interrupted by contactions and having to change the pad again.
Like many people, I use music to help me heal. I’m not talented with regards to music or the arts – I can’t draw, can’t compose, and can’t carry a tune. But I love and embrace the words and emotions of others that are put into song.
As I once again compose a Sonos playlist to help me through this (because I don’t keep them after I don’t need them), I want to share some of these songs with you. These are for anyone experiencing loss, whether it’s an unborn baby, a child, spouse, family member, friend….the pain is there.
I hope and pray that your pain eases. That your bad days get a little less bad and a little less frequent. Because that’s how recovery is. The waves of anguish will begin to wash over you less frequently, and they won’t hit as hard. Until then, take refuge in these beautiful words.
The ones on this post are a few of my favorites, but you can GO HERE to see the full YouTube playlist with all 34 songs.